Why it’s so hard to ask for what we want

There is a communication challenge that shows up with almost every couple I know.

It is universal, and surprisingly sneaky.

It is the ability to know what we want and to ask for it clearly.

One couple called it a "clean ask." I loved that phrase!

Sounds simple?

Well, not so easy to do.

When we ask for what we truly want, we step into a very vulnerable place.

It looks like this:

First, we need to feel the desire.

Then we have to allow it to exist without immediately judging it.

Then we have to find words for it.

And then we need to say it out loud...

To the person whose opinion matters the most!

No wonder our nervous system sometimes goes into overload...

When couples struggle with communication, it is rarely because they don't already know enough communication skills. It's often the disconnection from their real desires that causes communication to turn into a swirl of uncontrollable emotions.

Over my 9 years of being an intimacy coach, I was lucky have found a tool that has proved to be particularly helpful in navigating this:

The Wheel of Consent® by Betty Martin.

It is both simple and surprisingly powerful in practice.

Here is an example of one of the practices we often start with: a brainstorming session...

Question #1

Why don't we ask for what we want?

The answers are always fascinating.

People say things like:

"I feel ashamed."

"I am afraid of being too much."

"I don't even know what I want."

"It feels selfish to have desires."

"I'm scared my partner will reject me."

These responses are incredibly common.

And most of these beliefs come from our upbringing, cultural conditioning, past relationships, or simply from never being taught that desires can be explored with curiosity, not judgment.

Question #2

What do we do instead?

If we don't ask for what we want...

What DO we do instead?

Instead of asking directly, many of us shut down, distract ourselves, watch too much TV, numb out, pretend we do not need anything, fantasize about connection elsewhere, or... build resentment...

Or my personal "favorite," the classic relationship strategy:

We give something to our partner while secretly hoping they will guess what we want.

We humans are endlessly creative in avoiding vulnerability. :)

Unfortunately, those strategies do not bring us closer together.

So, what CAN we do instead?

Our differenet approach begins with:

• Learning how to slow down. So we can notice and name our desires.

  Am I hungry? Am I cold? What would feel good on my skin?

  
  

• Learning to recognize and own our desires:

  This is something I want.

  
  

• Practicing turning desire into a request.

  Not a demand, not a hint, but a clear request, made without needing your partner to respond immediately.

  Your partner may need time, they might have some questions, or they may offer something different instead... We expect and welcome that.

  We want them to have and express their boundaries so we can co-create a beautiful consensual dynamic in our relationship.

  
  

• "Thank you for taking care of yourself" eventually becomes a beloved phrase for those who are inspired to have a duty-free relationship full of trust and joy.

• 
  

  This is one of the beautiful "relationship wheels" behind the Wheel of Consent.

Sooo..

What are the steps to flourishing relationship?

You can start with:

• Taking time to reflect on your desires. Can you create a list of 10? 50? 100? Know what you want!

• Communicating your needs clearly. Write them down or say them out loud to yourself first.

• Giving your partner time to process. When you are ready to communicate your request, genuinely allow your partner plenty of space to consider it.

• Saying, "Thank you for taking care of yourself," when the answer is "not right now" or "I can't give you exactly that."

• Exploring what is possible by learning more about the Wheel of Consent® and taking one of my programs!

I am always looking forward to serving the health and beauty of your relationship!

Warmly,

Zhanna.