WHY MOST COUPLES STRUGGLE TO SAY WHAT THEY WANT & HOW TO FIX IT (an invitation to my new workshop!)

Zhanna Lee
Nov 15
3 min read

There is a communication issue that comes up with almost every couple I work with.

It is universal, and it is sneaky.

It is the difficulty of connecting to what you actually want and turning it into a clear request (or a “clean ask,” as one of my couples likes to call it).

If it sounds easy, think again. When was the last time you made a request about something that truly mattered to you? Asking for what we really want is one of the most vulnerable places we can go.

Because to name what you want, you first have to allow yourself to actually feel into it.

And then put it into words.

First inside your head, then out loud - to the person whose opinion matters most!

No wonder our nervous systems freak out.

But without this process, there is no authentic or meaningful communication. Only a swirl of emotions that usually spills out as conflict.

This is where the Wheel of Consent®, created by Betty Martin, becomes extremely helpful. It goes straight to the core and provides real, practical tools to navigate topics that often feel like a minefield.

The Two Questions That Change Everything

In one of the practices, we sit with two deceptively simple questions.

1. Why don’t we ask for what we want?

The answers always blow my mind.

People say:

“I feel ashamed.”

“I am scared of being too much.”

“I don’t even know what I want, and that makes me feel bad.”

“It feels selfish to have desires.”

And the list goes on.

This is the emotional turmoil many couples are stuck in for so many reasons: personal trauma, cultural expectations, upbringing, or simply never having been taught how to navigate their desires with clarity and self-compassion.

2. What do we do instead?

This part is enlightening, and not always pleasant.

Instead of asking directly, we might:

shut down
distract ourselves
overeat or watch TV
numb
pretend we do not need it
fantasize about connection elsewhere
build resentment
or “give” something to our partner while silently hoping they will magically guess what we want

There is a whole menu of indirect strategies, and none of them brings us closer to intimacy.

There Is a Better Way

And it always begins with authenticity and vulnerability.

During our sessions, I help my clients slow down and stay grounded enough to actually connect to their desire. The process includes valuing it, trusting it, and articulating it first as a desire, not yet as a request.

It is important to practice naming desires without pressure, without expectation, and without negotiation at first.

Only after that can we move into the second part:

Transforming desire into a request.

Not a demand.

Not a hint.

Not a manipulation.

A clear request made with the understanding that:

your partner may need time

you may need to talk it through

they might offer a counter-proposal

With this in mind, the process becomes a playful, connected back-and-forth, not a place of tension or conflict.

And this is the heart of the Wheel of Consent®: a practical map for conscious relating, where the space inside the Wheel represents mutual pleasure, a place where both people feel seen, safe, respected, and where no one has to sacrifice or guess.