Desire in long-term relationships

What does sex look like after 10… 20, 30, 40 years together?

Some days, you’re tired and want nothing.

Some days, you want sex because you miss feeling playful and alive.

Sometimes, something completely unrelated to your relationship turns you on.

Or turns you off.

There are moments when all you want is to be held. And moments when you notice your partner hasn’t initiated in a while and start wondering:

“Am I still attractive?”

“Do they still want me?”

There are many reasons to want sex, and many reasons not to want it at a particular moment.

And yet we can be very quick to make desire mean something about our relationship.

“If I love my partner, I should want sex.”

“If they wanted me, they would initiate.”

“If we were really compatible, this wouldn’t be so difficult.”

You can love each other and still want sex at different times, in different ways, and with different frequency.

The question is what you do with those differences.

Do you expect to want the same thing?

Do you expect your partner to get hungry at exactly the same time you do?

To crave the same meal?

Every time?

Probably not. :)

Of course, sex can feel much more personal than dinner. If your partner isn’t hungry, you’re unlikely to wonder whether they still find you attractive.

But when they don’t want sex, that may be exactly where your mind goes.

Differences in desire are one of the most common reasons couples come to my practice. Often, they have spent years talking about how frequently they should have sex.

One person feels unwanted. The other feels that whatever they offer is never enough.

Both may be hurt. And both may miss enjoying this part of their relationship.

What does sex mean to each of you?

For one partner, sex may be a way to relax and feel close after a difficult day.

The other may need to feel relaxed and close before sex sounds appealing.

You can imagine how easily they might misunderstand each other.

“I’m reaching for you because I miss you.”

“I know, but I need you to spend some time with me first.”

Neither person is necessarily doing anything wrong. They may need different things to get interested.

Sex can also mean reassurance, adventure, affection, relief from stress, or an opportunity to feel desirable.

Try asking each other:

“What do you most enjoy about sex with me?”

“What are you hoping to feel when you initiate?”

“What makes it difficult for you to get interested?”

You might discover that you’ve been arguing about frequency while missing something important about each other’s experience.

Does desire have to come first?

Some people often feel interested in sex before anything physical happens.

Others may not be thinking about sex at all, but become interested once they’re enjoying an experience they have freely chosen.

Perhaps you weren’t feeling particularly sexual, but wanted to spend time kissing your partner. Then you noticed yourself wanting more.

Or you enjoyed the kissing and that was enough.

Being open to finding out how you feel is different from agreeing to sex you don’t want.

That distinction matters.

You need to be able to change your mind, stop, or say, “I’m enjoying this, but I don’t want to go further.”

And your partner needs to know that being willing to begin doesn’t promise a particular ending.

If you would like to explore that more, I write about it in “Physical Intimacy Without Intercourse: What Can Couples Explore?”

What makes sex appealing now?

We sometimes keep offering each other the kind of sex we enjoyed years ago, without checking whether it still works for us.

Perhaps one of you wants more time. A different pace. More playfulness. Less predictability.

Perhaps the only available time is late at night, when one person is already half asleep.

Perhaps sex has become so focused on whether everything is “working” that neither of you is having much fun.

Before asking, “How can we have sex more often?” it may help to ask:

“What would make sex more enjoyable for each of us now?”

You don’t have to know immediately. You may need time to notice, talk, and explore.

And if pain, a sudden change in desire, or another physical concern is part of the picture, that deserves appropriate medical attention too. It isn’t something you need to overcome through effort or enthusiasm.

Can you talk about desire without keeping score?

“You never initiate.”

“We only do it when you want.”

“I’ve already asked three times.”

These conversations can quickly leave both people defending themselves.

Try describing your experience without deciding what your partner feels.

“I miss feeling wanted by you. When I’m always the one initiating, I start wondering whether you enjoy being sexual with me.”

Or:

“I miss enjoying sex too. But when I know you’re hoping for it every time we get into bed, I find it hard to relax.”

There may be something difficult to hear in either answer. Give yourselves time.

You don’t need to settle on a schedule or find a solution before you understand what has been happening.

And if a particular invitation doesn’t work, you can ask whether another time would be welcome. Your partner can answer honestly, rather than making a promise to soften the disappointment.

What can change?

In my work with couples, we look at what each person enjoys, what gets in the way, and what happens between you when your desires don’t match.

Then we practice. Depending on the couple, that might include communicating about pleasure, exploring a different kind of touch, or learning to notice when you’re interested, curious, uncomfortable, or simply done.

One client described an important discovery this way:

“The biggest take away for me is probably the idea that it doesn't have to be black-and-white: sex or no sex. We can do a lot of things that make us feel close, connected, and bring pleasure.”Jery, 43

You don’t have to become identical in your desires to enjoy an intimate life together.

But you do need room for both people’s experiences. Including the wish for more sex, the wish for less pressure, and the possibility that what you enjoy together may need to change.

Would you like support with this?

If your conversations keep going in circles, you don’t have to keep having them in exactly the same way.

My private 3-day Find Your Bliss Couples Immersion gives us time to understand your patterns and practice different ways of connecting, with guidance adjusted to both of you.

“We have been married for 56 years. There is lots about us that works very well, with a few discordant parts. Our erotic life was the notable one. Within the three days of the Immersion program Zhanna patiently showed us simple but effective ways to tune - one to another. Her confident, creative mind has been quick to offer appropriate ways for us to proceed - responding to any limitations, modifying exercises as needed, while insisting that there is no diminishment in value, and no single right way to proceed. We are enjoying the sense of being joined in a shared inquiry; of flowing together in a spirit of discovery!" - Chuck, 78

And if you would prefer to begin with a group experience, you can explore my Date Nights for Couples in Watertown, Massachusetts.

We can start with a complimentary Connection Call to talk about what’s happening and which option might suit you.

Your intimate life can keep changing as you do.

There may be things you haven’t discovered about each other yet.

Warmly,

Zhanna