When our fire needs air: Can passion survive predictability?

I’ve been thinking about this chicken-and-egg problem all week now :)

So many of my clients stop themselves from reaching out to their partners because they believe that to have good sex, they must first “feel like it.”

But let me ask you: to feel what?

Do we have to feel desire before we start doing something together? Or can doing something we both enjoy change how we feel?

When we’re stressed or anxious, we feel it in our bodies. There’s physical or emotional tension, and, of course, we want relief. So we reach for something that helps us relax. Sometimes it’s sex. And sometimes we just want to cry. Or growl :)

But there is also a different kind of tension that we don’t necessarily want to get rid of...

Think of your first dates. All that awkwardness, hope, desire… Some of that nervousness is actually exactly what makes them so exciting.

New relationship energy (NRE) can be intoxicating!

So, what happens when we start feeling more sure of each other and some of that first-date uncertainty goes away?

Do we somehow… miraculously… expect the excitement to last all by itself?

Well, I believe some of us do. At least I was definitely one of those “dreamers” at the time :)

Some of us think that “love should be enough.” We might get upset at even thinking that we “need to do something about it.” It might feel unnatural or fake.

But think about it… Isn’t it sort of like expecting a fire to keep burning without putting any wood in it?

Does passion “happen” by accident?

There’s a whole industry built around “accidental passion.”

Romantic movies, novels, all those stories where two people are thrown together by circumstances and “suddenly” experience a strong and undeniable attraction.

Remember that romantic comedy with Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, The Marrying Man? The one where the couple separates and remarries several times? His desire seems to come back only when she walks away or when he sees her after some time. And when they settle into life together, that intensity fades.

What makes those stories work is novelty, unexpectedness, or the fact that someone is not quite available. And very often, it comes with a lot of chaos, drama, and pain.

But what do we do if we love our partner, have chosen to be together for life, and don’t want to create chaos or hurt each other? But we also want excitement. We want to keep wanting our partner!

Are we doomed? :)

Can we still enjoy the excitement without needing the uncertainty of almost losing each other?

What does a fire need?

Think about what it takes to have a fire.

It needs something to burn, and it needs air.

We can’t just light it once and expect it to stay exactly the same forever.

Also, sometimes we might want to make it into a big bonfire. Something exciting, maybe even spectacular. And sometimes we might want a steady, medium fire that simply keeps us warm. We might not need fireworks every day.

But if fire is an analogy for our relationship, how do we give it a little air? And how do we sometimes make the fire bigger, just for fun?

Part of it is giving ourselves a chance to see each other outside our usual roles.

For example...

Watch your partner doing something they love… from a distance. Notice how animated they become when they are talking passionately about something they care about. Or doing something they can do really well. Maybe notice how other people look at them at those moments... :)

What do you notice when you get to watch them for a while, without being part of what they’re doing?

Another example could be going somewhere neither of you is familiar with. Or, if you are a person who usually wants everything planned, saying one day, “Let’s just go and explore what’s down that street.”

When it happens, your partner isn’t becoming a different person. You’re just getting an opportunity to see something about them you don’t usually get to see.

We can begin with our beliefs or with our bodies

What do you believe about intimacy, attraction, and desire?

Do you believe (like I used to) that if you really love each other, the excitement should just happen? And that if you’re not feeling it all the time, something is wrong?

Do you spend a whole evening trying to make it about your partner or the state of your relationship? And then does your partner say or do something so sweet that you completely forget those thoughts and all of a sudden are super hot for them again? :)

A minute ago, you thought your lack of desire meant something about your relationship. Now you’re looking at the same person and telling yourself a different story.

Or…

Do you judge yourself for being “too sensitive” or needing “too much” to start feeling like it? And then you take a walk or take a hot bath, and suddenly… things are different? :)

The walk didn’t solve anything between you two or change your body drastically.

Maybe your shoulders dropped, you breathed a little easier, and you came home feeling more like yourself. Maybe that was enough to give your erotic being a little space to breathe and play...?

What do I mean by “erotic being”?

That part of you that gets curious about pleasure and notices what feels good, and what makes you want more! If you’re curious about the Five Erotic Blueprints, I wrote more about them in What makes a good lover?

Sometimes it’s the setting that makes a difference. Think of the last time you felt more relaxed or more interested in your partner.

Was it away from home? Was it in a beautiful hotel room?

What made the biggest difference?

Was it the beauty and serenity of the place, or the fact that you had time to eat slowly, finish a thought without getting up to do something, or make as much noise as you wanted? :)

What did being somewhere else let you do or feel that you rarely experience at home?

You may be able to bring some of that home.

And if what helps you is having something regular to come back to, I wrote more about that in The power of intimacy rituals for couples.

Do we have to wait until we feel like it?

This is probably the biggest realization my couples eventually come to!

We don’t have to wait for that special feeling to come.We can create a space for it to show up!

In other words, we can become our own “magicians.” 😊

Ask each other:

“When was the last time I surprised you in a way you enjoyed?”

“What did you get to see in me that you don’t usually see?”

You might remember the weekend away. They might remember you telling a story over dinner they’d never heard before, even after all these years.

Then choose one thing you’d both enjoy doing this week.

Maybe you take your partner somewhere that means something to you and tell them why.

Maybe you ask them to show you something they love doing that you’ve never tried.

Leave yourselves a little room to “just see”!

That’s a different way to approach long-term love. We can all learn how to feed our fire. We can choose to enjoy its quiet warmth or sometimes make it a little bigger, just for fun.

If you’d like to explore what keeps YOUR fire alive, take a look at Keep The Fire!, my upcoming online program for couples.

And you are very welcome to join me for one of my in-person Date Nights for Couples or explore private intimacy coaching.

Warmly,

Zhanna