“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did…”
“To love” is a skill that is cultivated, not merely a state of enthusiasm. And it is a verb”
“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”
Esther Perel
Hi lovers
I was at Esther Perel’s Evening The Future of Relationships, Love & Desire in Boston yesterday, and I am still buzzing with inspiration.
What a mission, what courage, what elegance and grace this amazing woman has!
Seriously, HOW can we hold these comparisons? How can we build our relationships in a world of high expectations and fast rewards? How can we have both passion and love?
She told us a story of how her producer of a podcast Where should we begin? called her in the middle of the night exclaiming: They ALL have exactly the same problem! They stop having sex!!
I love this topic and this controversy.
I find this puzzle exciting, and stimulating.
And also…
Annoying, exasperating, depressing sometimes!! Lol
Whaaat?
Do we have to create it ourselves?
Meh.
But it always comes to: “Love is a verb”.
Doing, not {just} feeling.
At least when it comes to relationships.
“It was a love story, not a life story” - one of my friends said about her recent breakup
What is the difference?
And - can we have it all??
For me, one of the answers is to turn sex from the context of “wanting” to the context of “providing”.
“Sex is good for being related! It matters that couples have sex! You MUST have sex!”
Alisson Armstrong, Celebrating Partnership.
I adore this woman. I think she did more for the harmony between the sexes than any other American educator. I love her sense of humor, her passion, and most importantly her ability to talk about complex things simply.
Her main point – it's almost impossible to align our desires!
" Is there sex after intimacy?" – a question many of us start asking at some point.
What gets sex started is sexual tension. Which comes from two sources - hormones surges or distance. But our hormones are vastly different. And when we start living together, the distance factor disappears…
So, we don't want to leave it up to wanting!
The difficult part is always to get started.
Put it on the schedule.
Call it “connection time”.
Do not put any pressure on what exactly are you going to do.
Just SHOW UP.
Be present.
Look at each other.
Hold hands.
Have a conversation with your partner.
And if you want an “assignment” – here is one from Allison and me😊
Home play
WHAT DOES SEX PROVIDE FOR YOU?
(When answering, include time of day, activities included, length of time of engagement, frequency, correlate to specific circumstances and etc.)
•Sit facing each other
•Decide who will ask first.
•Set a timer for the whole exercise (up to 10 min)
•When answering – give one example of a specific sexual activity at the time.
•Switch.
•Continue switching until the time is up.
•Discuss what did you notice about yourself doing this exercise (1-3 min each)
Understanding what sex provides for your partner is the first step to shifting your context to Providing and beginning to intentionally cause Wanting! ❤
Enjoy!
Love,
Zhanna